The Passions Awards
by Sailor J-chanDuoxHilde 4ever
Summary: Click on the link and watch me bestow awards on characters! Awards include Most Hypocritical Character, Character With The Dumbest Prejudice, Least Popular Couple, and many more!


Disclaimer-I don't own spit

The Passions Awards

Sailor J-can: Hello, and welcome to the First-And-Hopefully-NOT-Annual-Passions Awards!!

Audience: *Wild cheers and claps*

Sailor J-chan: *Plays the National Anthem. Then the CD gets a scratch and we hear the same verse over and over*

CD: (Singing) Land of the…land of the…land of the…

Sailor J-chan: *Hits CD player with mallet. CD player breaks* There! Our first category is Best Actor! John, would you bring out the envelope please!

John: *Comes in from the side of the stage. He puts the envelope on Sailor J-chan's podium and then starts kissing aforementioned author*

Audience: *Wild cheers and claps*

Sailor J-chan: (Muffled) John! John, honey, I have to read the winner. We can make-out after the awards, OK?

John: *Looks disappointed*

Sailor J-chan: *Pats his head* That's a good boy. *Gives him a peck on the cheek, then picks up the envelope* And the winner is…*Takes out card*…LITTLE ETHAN CRANE!!!!!

Audience: *Wild cheers and claps*

Little Ethan: *Crawls up to the stage and grabs his award. Then tries to eat it*

Sailor J-chan: It was a tie between Precious and Little Ethan, but Precious' daydreams about Luis were acted out horribly and were…REALLY scary. All right, our next award is Most Hypocritical Character. The envelope, John?

John: *Hands her envelope and give her Puppy Dog Eyes* Now?

Sailor J-chan: No! And the winner is…*Takes out card*…IVY WINTHROP!!!!!

Audience: *Wild cheers and claps*

Ivy: *Wheels up to the stage and takes her award. She turns to the audience and gave the I'm-Better-Than-You Smile. Then Sailor J-chan kicks her off the stage*

Audience: *Wild cheers and claps*

Sailor J-chan: Accusing Theresa of being a manipulative, slutty home-wrecker when…HELLO? What are you? And saying that Grace is a lousy mother and wife? OK, let's review, shall we? First of all, you dump your daughters—which, by the way, no one has bothered to name—and Fox at boarding school so you can devote your time into making Ethan an idiotic mama's boy, and as for being a wife, you hated Julian! I honestly don't know why everyone on this site likes you! Next up, Character With The Dumbest Prejudice! The envelope, John?

John: *Hands J-chan the envelope, then sits behind her, playing with her hair*

Sailor J-chan: And the winner is…*Takes out envelope*…CHARLIE…er, I-DON'T-KNOW-HER-LAST-NAME!!!!

Audience: *Wilds cheers and claps*

Charlie: *Walks up and takes the award* I can't tell you how good it feels to accept this from a brunette.

John: *Jumps up* Keep your hands off my girl!

Charlie: *Fixes him with the Evil Eye. It doesn't work—nothing ever fazes John. Charlie looks scared and runs off the stage*

Sailor J-chan: We'll be right back after this commercial break!

Audience: *Wild cheers and claps...that's really all the audience is capable of doing*

*Fades to black*

TV Voice-Over Guy: WANNA ROT YOUR BRAIN FOR AN HOUR?

Background children's voices: YES!

TV Voice-Over Guy: WANNA LEARN BAD ACTING?

Background children's voices: YES!!

TV Voice-Over Guy: WANNA SEE A REALLY HOT GUY TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF?

Sailor J-chan: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

TV Voice-Over guy: Then watch Passions Monday-Friday, at 1 PM on channel 10! 

*Fades to black, then shows Passions Awards again*

Sailor J-chan: And we're back! All right, our next award is Craziest Character! The envelope, John?

Random dog: *Walks out carrying the envelope in his mouth*

Sailor J-chan: Ah, you're so cute! *Takes the envelope and hugs him* Wait a sec…this is awfully familiar…

*There is a boom, and then we see that the dog is actually Shigure from Fruits Basket*

(A/N: Fruits Basket is an anime about the Sohma family, where when a Sohma gets hugged by a member of the opposite sex, they turn into an animal of the zodiac. They turn back into humans later)

Shigure: Aw! I wanted you to hug me some more!

John: *Runs out with a metal bat*

Shigure: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *Runs away*

Sailor J-chan: O_O;;;;;;;;;;; Um…OOOOKAAAAY…Well, the award for Craziest Character goes to…*Takes out card* BETH WALLACE!!

Audience: *You get the drill*

Beth: *Crazy look in her eyes as she gets to the stage and grabs her award* Luis will be mine…Sheridan must die…I know! I'll dress Mother up like Sheridan and make her tell Luis that she's in Paris. Never mind that Luis would see right through that because Sheridan's taller than Mother, and anyway, if she's in Paris, how can she talk to him? But never mind that, MY PLAN IS FOOLPROOF!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *Trips off the stage, because she's not very graceful, either*

Sailor J-chan: And the next award is Least Popular Couple! The envelope, John?

John: *Hands her an envelope*

Sailor J-chan: And the award for most underrated couple goes to…*Takes out card* O_O;;;;;;;;;;;;

*The card is a photograph of John in a Cupid outfit, stretched out on a couch, and winking*

Sailor J-chan: …Well, that settles Mom's Christmas present! *Put photo away and takes out the real card* And the winner is…T.C. AND EVE RUSSEL!!!!!!!

Audience: *Must we go through this again?*

*Spotlight goes to Eve, who is kissing Julian*

T.C.: *Stands up* Hey! What are you doing?

Eve: Um…I was practicing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! 

T.C.: Oh………well, that's plausible! You're so perfect, you wouldn't cheat on me with him! You're so beautiful and funny and talented. You're so perfect. Has anyone told you you're perfect?

Sailor J-chan: WE GET IT ALREADY!!!! *Hits T.C. with mallet* All right, our next award is Hottest Guy! The envelope, John?

John: *Gives her envelope*

Sailor J-chan: And the winner is…*Takes out card* FOX CRANE!!! 

Fox: *Gets to stage and takes his award*

All women in audience: *Attack Fox and try to get him to sit next to them*

Sailor J-chan: All right! We'll be back for the conclusion right after this!

*Fade to black*

TV Voice-Over Guy: Tired of shows that have a plot that progresses at a reasonable pace? Want something that will keep you watching only to see how long they can drag it out? Then watch Passions! And how do we know that Passions is slow? We'll prove it with our little number!

All Passions characters: (Singing) This is the show that never ends! Yes, it goes on and on my friend! Some people started producing it, not knowing how long it could go, and for all eternity, this soap, they will show 'cause this is the show that never ends! Yes, it goes on and on, my friend! Some people started producing it not knowing how long it could go, and for all eternity, this soap, they will show, 'cause this is the show that never ends!

Sailor J-chan: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *Attacks all Passions characters with mallet, except Fox, 'cause he's hot, and John, because he's her boyfriend*

*Fade to black, then shows Passions Awards again*

Sailor J-chan: And we're in for the last leg of the awards! Our next award is Character Least Likely To Be Of Any Use In An Emergency! The envelope, John?

John: *Hands her envelope*

Sailor J-chan: And the winner is…*Takes out card*…JOHN HASTINGS!!

Audience: *Gee, I wonder…*

John: WHAT???!!!

Sailor J-chan: Well, there was a lobster claw from Tabitha's stomach choking Julian, and you just kinda stood there with this "Duh" look on your face. 

John: Blame the writers for that! I mean, come on! Do you think I'm really just gonna stand there and say "Oh my gosh-diddly-darn, a lobster claw's choking Julian! Let me stare at it for awhile and talk to myself!" For God's sake, who wrote this crap?!

Sailor J-chan: Well, honeykins, at least you were acknowledged for it.

John: *Sulks*

Sailor J-chan: All right, here we go! Our next-to-last award! This time it's Character With The Most Out-Dated Secret! The envelope, please?

John: *Throws the envelope at her and continues sulking*

Sailor J-chan: And the winner is…*Takes out card*…TABITHA LENOX!!!!!

Audience: *Gee, I wonder what they're gonna do*

Tabitha: ???????

Sailor J-chan: You're a witch! I mean, come on! A witch? Witches have been out of style since everyone got over The Wizard of Oz. At least make it a sitcom like Sabrina! *Chucks award at Tabitha* You're not even that important! You suffer from minor-character-itis!

Tabitha: *Sulks and stomps off*

Sailor J-chan: And this is it, ladies and gentlemen, is the last award of the night! Time for Smartest Actress! The envelope, John?

John: *Continues sulking*

Sailor J-chan: JOHN, GIVE ME THAT ENVELOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John: *Trips all over himself trying to get the envelope to Sailor J-chan*

Sailor J-chan: Thank you, dearie. *Blows him a kiss* And the winner is…*Takes out card*…THE GIRL WHO PLAYED JESSICA!!!!

The girl who played Jessica: *Gets onstage and takes the award* Thanks, Sailor J-chan. But why?

Sailor J-chan: 'Cause you left the show! *Turns to audience* And that concludes the Passions Awards!


End file.
